Being here is incredible, surrounded by mountains and overlooking a huge dam, warm, sleepy afternoons spent watching goats and chickens be goats and chickens, early morning gallops in the forest and fun walks with the dogs, daily animal antics bringing the laughs. Its so peaceful I dare not play music, even watching TV feels like sacrilege, like burning an ant at the magnifying glass. Ocassionaly there will be visitors, someone to stay, someone to ride, someone to learn about horses, but theyre never my age or even my language. In the free time, I read and hang out with my buddies, a one eyed sheep dog and a ginger and white kitten who I swear is part monkey. In the evenings after the animals are all fed and put to bed, I make dinner which I always enjoy because I can make whatever I like as long as its vegetarian which suits me just fine. Despite it being the middle of winter it is sunny and warm, sometimes even hot during the day. Fly’s sit on my face and dam’s run dry while static makes tangible the love I pass to the animals.
Most of the time I cant think why I would want to leave, I have little work today simply being an assistant, running errands and helping with the animals, cooking dinner and in between marvelling at the peacefulness and laughing at the animals, but I still dont feel fulfilled. I still yearn for something, perhaps this place has filled that gap somewhat, put me closer in proximity to wherever this elusive ‘home’ is that Im looking for and it perplexed me for a couple weeks what was irking me so until I think I have finally figured out that I am missing people. And how strange is that when I would rather stay away from people. But I miss people like me, people who read and think and marvel and connect and live and let live. People who want to be close to nature and build a home in harmony with it.
Of course I also miss coffee shops and unlimited wireless internet, I miss hanging out in lounge’s with my friends and swimming in the ocean. I miss being free to come and go as I please and sleeping in past 11am.
I dont miss advertising and shops and crowds and primary colours and squares and order and consumerism. I dont miss who I used to be surrounded by all those things. This farm life has slowly peeled away grimy layers of warped personality that we are not even aware we acquire in that lifestyle. I had such obscure thoughts when I first got here, stuff I could only have picked up from being in such a warped society. I noticed immediately my lack of innocence, my tough city edges, my rigid way of being. Nature has softened me and is teaching me to let go and stop trying to control absolutely everything and everyone, human or animal. Ive learned that I like having something to do as long is it lets me take enough time out for myself. I need a lot of rest, I need a lot of time to read, look at pictures on the internet, think and be alone.
I have moments where I absolutely want to leave immediately. Where I feel Ive had enough, I want something else, but then I realise that would mean going back to the city, being around people, not having freedom to do as I please. And of course the kitten will curl around my leg, having missed me as I was out of the house up at the stables for hours, and in his purring I can hear how much he loves me, while the dog will come to me for an ear scratch and a pat on the head and the chicken will cluck at me and look for food and the view will implore me to love it back as much as it loves me and I cant bring myself to leave.
Yet at the same time I am so afraid of being stuck here in my boredom and loneliness. We all need a tribe. We need like minded people near us, confirming our brilliance, acknowledging our worthiness, needing our love and respect. I need people, I need to share my extraordinary life in real time, to grow and be measured and out here, I am so far from that possibility…
10 months ago / 10 notes
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- poppiesandgold said: I am not sure if you meant it, but this was exactly what I needed to read today because what you wrote about seems to be exactly what I am needing to figure out for myself. Thank you so much for your thoughts and words. I wish you the best day today!
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