The Dame International

Heeeeyyyy !! It’s time to partaaayyyy! #me #pomeranian #girlsnight

If you go down to the woods today… #me

Wish it was warm enough to wear my funky cool jacket! 💔 Think I got it from Nasty Gal for like £13 score! Still haven’t had a chance to wear it 👎 #me

Repping @rikleeillustration for @nightcallbrand today 😎 #me

Off to the #greatbritishtattooshow 💷💪💉📷 #me

Look what I caught at the @six60 concert tonight! Lost a nail in the scramble but at least it wasnt an eye! #drumstick #six60london #six60 #me

Currently obsessed with Julianne Hough, she’s making me want to cut my hair short again like in the above picture taken in 2010. Wish I had that body again too! And that tan!

Currently loving my #hair :) sitting in a coffee shop listening to my @nutritionschool #IIN webclasses :) #healthcoach #holistichealth #me

A beautiful moment #meditating on a tree stump, overflowing with #gratitude for absolutely everything. #centered #grounded #calm #peace #me #nature

Gordan W. Gahan, National Geographic, Paris, 1972

This month I went to Spain twice. 3 days in Madrid with my mom and 4 days in Barcelona with my gay friend. Normally being a hermit and used to my own company, it was a learning curve to have someone else in my life 24/7.

Traveling with these two people made me realise that maybe I would like to be in a relationship again. I guess I do miss being held and looked at, desired and loved. That it’s lovely to share new experiences and discoveries with someone you care about in a romantic way.

I just dont know how I will meet this person since I hardly ever leave the house and have a serious issue with men as it goes.

In a heated rant to my mom a couple days ago I shouted about how I have no example of a good man. Everywhere I look men are failures who fuck up women’s lives. Everywhere, in TV shows, in movies, in history, on dating websites, online, in my personal history, in my girl friend’s lives, in my work, men are consistent disappointments. I have zero respect for men and even less trust in them to be anything but failures.

I know of course that this is not the case for every man on the planet, but from my experience, it is the unfortunate majority. I still hold hope that perhaps one day I will meet a good man, that is not twisted and ruined by mainstream society. A man with honour and respect and love and intelligence, who is self-realized and understands his place in the world instead of blinding thinking what he has been told all his life and filling a role dictated to him by a sick society. A man outside the box, far from the maddening crowd.

And then I ask myself if I really want a partnership, even in my future that I dream of every day. I never feel like I need a man, I never miss him in my bed. Sure it might be nice to kiss and cuddle, but ultimately, I dont NEED it. I get my love, unconditional and without packaged and eventual pain, from animals, nature and music.

I think maybe I have been so damaged that I have completely quarterised any connection to my romantic heart. I wonder if I will regret this state of affairs one day, like so many things I regret now. Perhaps regret has become my lover.

I never imagined my future with a man in it. I’ve always sort of known I will be an old spinster, enjoying whatever I please, living on my own land, in the countryside with lots of animals and a long white braid down my back.

Until a man can show me he is true and pure of heart, I will never ever trust him.

I hate how I have become as a result of these disappointments, these failures by men in my life. I hate how hard Ive become, how angry and resenting. I hate that I have retreated from the world. I resent that I am so disconnected from the truly lovely person I am. I feel as though I am a wounded animal, skulking down hidden alleyways and secret tunnels to avoid contact with people and always ready to attack if that isnt possible.

I dont even know what love feels like between humans anymore. My heart overflows in love for animals, but dries up when it comes to people.

I want to leave this life behind, of sex work and base male desires and concrete, advertising, crowds, consumerism and dog eat dog. I want to go where life is real and not orchestrated, where it makes sense and nourishes me. The natural world is far more real and exacting than the world we have designed for ourselves. Animals are resigned to cause and effect whereas we do everything in our power to avoid the effects of what we cause. It’s warped. If horses get into a fight and are injured, that’s their lot. That’s what you get. There is no avoidance, there is no sueing the other party, there is no revenge. Simple cause and effect and because there is only that, they live a life of prevention instead of endless, mindless consumerism with no effective and immediate repercussions.

I feel dried up inside and that worries me. I want to live a life I understand where I can flourish and grow and my existence can be a benefit to the life around me. I dont want to be sucking and drying and grabbing and desperate. I want to go from surviving to thriving.

I bought all this stuff, to make me feel like I was successful, like I had a life and was in control and now I sit in this house with all this stuff and while it’s pretty to look at, I’m not looking at trees and mountains and streams and morning dew and the breath of animals in the morning sun. I’m not stroking fur and looking into eyes unsullied by constant bombardment of marketing and anguish from stress of a life unnatural.

I don’t wake up with a purpose and something to do that will satisfy me when the day is over. There is no work I have to do.

Stuff and things mean nothing if you dont love what you do with your days.

Recently I saw a quote by Brigitte Bardot: “I gave my youth and beauty to men, now I give my wisdom and experience to animals”.

It’s time to go into the wild.

(Source: dorisforce, via myluna)

Story of my life, every time I try to get close to a guy, he runs away… #me #marley

New glasses, I feel like I’m on acid, which is a fun way to relive my youth without taking the drugs. #me #specsappeal #specs

#tbt I think this is 2007, shot at my friends place on the headland in #newquay #cornwall, back before I went dark. #me #bikini #ass #sexy #babe

Finally on my way home to my cat boyfriend :) #me